This morning I found a corpse, battered and bloody, in my back garden. He had been so abused that I had difficulty recognising him as Blaze, our goldfish with the white streak down his nose. I recognised him only by his absence from the pond. Larry, Darrell, Darell, and Darell and Smokey were all still hale and hearty.
Who could have committed such perfidy? There are four suspects.
Other Cat likes the pond and has been seen lurking on the rim. But she's too slow and stupid and her greatest crime is chewing on the leaves of the pond marginals. I feel safe in dismissing her as a suspect.
Other Cat lurking and nibbling mere days before the crime.
Lion Cat, a neighbour kitty, has been seen murderously hunching over the pool and has been implicated in the death of our ghost koi Caspar or Weinberger (they were indistinguishable). Call it intuition, but I don't think it was him this time. This suspect has evaded having his image captured, but my eyewitness description is of a large orange stripey tom. As you can see from the photo fit, he's a bad sort, and has been engaged in a harassment campaign against our two cats, Fancy and Other Cat.
Suspect photofit of Lion Cat
Another possibility is Lion Cat's "brother" and feline co-conspirator in the harassment campaign - Home Invader Kitty. I saw him returning to the scene of the crime this morning. Home Invader Kitty is a thug of the worst sort. He is so aliased because he not infrequently breaks into our home, eats our rather expensive hypo-allergenic cat food and then sprays in the corner of our living room.
Blurry CCTV-like image of Home Invader Kitty
Finally, there is Fancy. She wants those fish, she wants 'em bad. She's not afraid to enter the pond in pursuit and has frequently been seen with four dripping wet legs and leaving her filthy paw prints on our hardwood floor. However, she has lacked finesse, thrashing impatiently in the pond giving the fish ample opportunity to escape. To date, she's managed no more than oxygenating pond weed, which she's scattered across the garden. So have her skills improved to the point where her killer instinct is satisfied by her ability?
Surely this precious creature could not have committed such a crime?
Tips from the public gratefully received through our garden crime email hotline.
UPDATE: Now linked at this weeks Carnival of the Cats so tips should come flooding in.