performance enhancing drugs

Well... I went to my local GP the other day for some antibiotics and while I was there I thought I might get me some nerve pills. See, I'm not the best traveller. I get nervous. And I have a 9 hour transatlantic journey ahead of me with a layover in Detroit. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm not afraid of flying. I'm happy to do journeys of under 3 hours. I'm afraid of:

• missing my train to the airport
• missing my flight
• going to the wrong terminal
• leaving my passport at home
• leaving my ticket at home
• leaving the oven on
• arriving at the airport the day after I have a valid ticket
• getting the middle seat in the 5 seater central section
• being surrounded by unpleasant passengers
• being stuck on the plane for nine hours
• being stuck on the plane for longer than nine hours because of malfunction, mis-scheduling or some other mis-adventure
  

Post 9/11 I have new worries. That they will hold my husband in some windowless cell in Detroit on visa entry violations (he's been a good boy), that they will touch my shoes, that some trigger happy air marshall will shoot us, or that they will have finally coordinated the passport checking system with the City of Knoxville's parking violation records (I have been bad).

So anyway, this all adds up to bad nerves for the Vol Abroad. Normally, I just self-medicate, but drinking on the plane is dehydrating and I've run out of the contraband Xanex that a relative in the medical profession gave me - or I just flip out. I asked for some Valium.

Me: Umm... so I get really nervous so could I have some Valium or maybe some Xanex?
GP: Have you taken this before?
Me: Well, not on an actual prescription.

Wrong approach. I know that now. When she said - you don't really want a sedative, I said I wouldn't mind, you know, sleeping on the plane. (I was thinking one on the way over, two on the way back and one for recreational purposes on Christmas Day - and perhaps one slipped in the drink of VolMom - she gets a little over excited at Christmas)

Anyway, she wouldn't give me the good drugs. She gave me beta-blockers instead. I was doubtful. I looked it up on the internet - and you know what beta-blockers are for? Post heart attack recovery and low grade anxiety. Stage fright, performance anxiety, that kind of thing. Apparently musicians use it all the time. I'm thinking...this isn't really going to be strong enough for me. But I was about to do some facilitation at a high pressure event, so I took one.

Hey, they really can help your performance. I'm a good facilitator, and I'm generally not too nervous running workshops, but I was so calm... despite the fact that I overslept, hadn't prepared because they hadn't given me it in advance, it was an absolutely crap brief (it was so bad that another facilitator actually teared up from the pressure of trying to run to brief) and I had a major nasty cold and chest infection plus some high profile people in my group. I have to say it went really well.

Tomorrow, I'm off speaking again, something that usually does make me nervous (though I do it and I hide the nerves well) and have I prepared adequately? Nahhh.. But that's ok. I have the performance enhancing drugs. I'll let you know how it goes.