Krispy Kreme, stop following me

I'm not a big fan of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I'm not a big fan of doughnuts in general. I'll admit that when the hot doughnut sign is on, the KK doughnuts are OK. But elsewise, no thanks.

I think my disdain of KK arose from being forced to sell the darn things in high school for fundraisers. We'd presell boxes of doughnuts and then get up ridiculously early, like six am or something, to deliver them to the suckers who'd cough up the money sugared fried bread, when they should have just funded our schooling through property tax or some similar means. I suppose this was supposed to be some kind of character-building introduction to entrepreneurism (aka - being a corporate shill).

Since my synapses don't really fire early in the AM, my memories are dim and hazy, but I do remember grumbling in someone's garage about the injustice of it all, while we were divying up boxes of Krispy Kremes for delivery. Of course the bigger injustice was to the parents who got up even more ridiculously early to drive down into the bowels of Alabama - to Hunstville, maybe - to get to the nearest Krispy Kreme establishment.

I miss a lot of things about living in the South, but the KK is not one of them. I was glad to leave them behind. There just ain't enough ocean to get between me and Krispy Kreme. About a year or so ago I heard ruminations that Harrods was carrying Krispy Kreme doughnuts in their food hall. The Harrod's food hall is famous for its fancy food in dazzling displays, but to my mind Krispy Kreme is far more redolent of formica countertops, ill-tempered waitresses, and early morning garages. I couldn't see how KK and Harrods went together, except for the fact that Mohammed al Fayed, Harrod's owner, is pretty trashy.

Well, I guess Krispy Kreme was another one of those brand fads, 'cause now you can get the dang things all over London. Stop following me, Krispy Kreme! Thus far, there aren't any KK's in South London, where I live. Don't open a store in Clapham, please don't, I beg you KK!

Of course, I may be a little bitter toward KK because I had once been thrown out of Krispy Kreme, the one on Kingston Pike, in Knoxville. Why was I thrown out? Well, it's just another sorry tale of injustice and Krispy Kreme.

1. I and a friend are riding down Kingston Pike, say around 10pm, and see the hot doughnut sign.
2. On a whim, we decide to stop
3. We order hot doughnuts and coffee.
4. We are shocked to discover there are no free coffee refills.
5. We demand a tour of the doughnut making area
6. We're told by the sour faced wait staff that no tours are being given
7. We demand a tour of the doughnut making area
8. We are given a tour of the doughnut making area by one of the doughnut makers. He is wearing shorts, his legs are horribly scarred from a doughnut making incident gone wrong. It was something to do with hot oil. We ask why he is still wearing shorts. He has no good answer.
9. We get another doughnut and coffee
10. We harangue the wait staff about the no coffee refill policy.
11. We lead the assembled patrons in a sing-a-long of Broadway hit songs, which cheered everyone but the staff. My friend knew all the lyrics to all the Broadway favorites.
12. We are asked to leave.

That's my personal 12 step program for being thrown out of Krispy Kreme. And I haven't really hankered after a hot doughnut since.