Eurovision semi-finals - the results

Tonight my husband and I watched the Eurovision song-contest semi-finals. 'Cause really you just can't get enough cheesy Euro-pop.

Here's my take:

Bulgaria - great if you don't mind the shrieking - they seem to have a nice line in trick drumming and chain mail vests

Israel - apparently a controversial entry "Push the Button" might be about nukes or it might be about sex. It's appallingly bad.

Cyprus - do you really think singing in French will make the French vote for you. As far as I can tell it's a recitation of the first two French lessons you'll ever have - Comme ci, Comme ca

Belarus - nice touch with the 007 moves - the lead singer's claim to fame is that he looks like Princess Diana in the face.

Iceland - an unhappy halfway house between ballad rock and Eurovision pop - sample lyric "A tiger trapped in a cage"

Georgia - I had no idea that the first generation Klingons were based on the Georgians. This isn't bad - and I love the men dancing with swords. Careful!.

Montenegro - this is their first time competing as an independent nation. It's not bad guitar rock - sample lyrics Kochi biscochi, crochi biscochi - is this a song about Italian cookies?

Switzerland - apparently a favorite to break through the semi-finals and win the whole thing - they've got a whole gothic ensemble onstage and their song is called "Vampires are alive". That song would make me want to put a stake through my heart. The ViL says that apparently Swiss vampires are very orderly.

Moldova - lots of tossing drapery about. I'm not sure how the singer manages to keep her trousers up. Perhaps they're glued on just below the pubic bone. Sample lyric "Never let nobody in". Sugar, ain't nobody want to go there...to Moldova I mean.

Netherlands - classic Eurovision bubblegum fare, and good stuff if you like leggy Dutch women pararding around in high heels and white shorts. I imagine this will go through.

Albania - the song: "Hear my Pleas", the singer: a chubby Albanian waiter, the back up singer's dress: wow, that's some fluffy yellow meringue.


Denmark - a pink be-feathered drag queen sings "Drama Queen" - sample lyric: "I'm your drama queen tonight, everything's gonna be alright" A favorite to go through, apparently. I think it's dreadful.

Croatia - I liked it. I did wonder how many people their lead singer had killed in the war, though.

Poland - Black Eyed Peas meets the Beastie Boys in the Baltic with girls in cages. Sample lyric (and pretty much the only one) "Everybody has the right to party."

Serbia - brings us the little known genre of Balkan lesbian pop balladry. The ViL says "If we knew what she was singing it would probably be a lot less impressive - as it is - your mind is free to roam." Her back up singers writhe over each other in the weirdest, stiffest way.

Czech Republic - make their debut entry here. The ViL says "I'm still thinking about the Serbians". The Czechs should have waited until next year. Dreadful.

Portugal - I like it. It's very scorchio. I like a man who's not afraid to outline his packet in pearlescent white satin and wear a low cut shirt made from net curtains and wave a really big fan.

Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia - even Prince couldn't carry off using "former" in his stage name. Sample lyric: "Music is the only world for me, in my world we live in harmony"

Norway - a nice little salsa number - those Norwegians - loco! Why aren't they moving their hips? The ViL says "They're Norwegians, They're like Brits, but without our laid back funky cool." I'll give them credit for two onstage costume changes - including one that might have precipated a major wardrobe malfunction.

Malta - wowza - something for the laaadies. Shirtless, buff background dancers sashaying around with fans and violins. Sample lyric "Loving you gives me vertigo". I really hope they make it through.

Andorra - I think this might be emo - in really bad English accented Spanish.

Hungary - a bluesy number. The singer is not wearing any shoes. She's hugging a bus stop prop. The ViL says this sounds like an actual real song.

Estonia - the singer is a cross between Pink and Posh Spice and she sings just about as well as the famous Mrs Beckham.

Belgium - who knew that Belgians would try to be that funky?

Slovenia - Goth meets Evita. The BBC announcer describes her outfit "She's wearing a bad leather corset."

Turkey - No, just no. A new level of sleaziness. But at least the Turks know how to move their hips. Sample lyric: "lovey dovey all the time, I've got lots of cake for you". You have cake? Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Austria - Rhinestone hoodie lying on a bed of red be- feathered back-up dancers. The male ones have bejewelled codpieces.

And finally...

Latvia - I really don't know what to say. The 5 Latvian tenors, wearing top hats. Are they singing in Italian?

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And the winners, chosen by phone in voters, are (inexplicably):

1. Belarus
2. FYR Macedonia
3. Slovenia
4. Hungary
5. Georgia
6. Latvia
7. Serbia
8. Bulgaria
9. Turkey
10. Moldova